I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize