he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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