True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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