I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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