I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I have fence marks all over my body
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
