I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
