i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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