listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
