4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
