haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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