So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
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