rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Even my vagina gasped.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
