Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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