Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
