im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
