Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Come share oat with me in your robe
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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