her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize