Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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