remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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