Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
