Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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