i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
