My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
