Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Your cock deserves a montage
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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