Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
