You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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