So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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