M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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