It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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