Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
