I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
