I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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