Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
The uberlube is also flammable
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
