She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
they call him Oral-B. enough said
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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