well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize