There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
