No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
