the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
