I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
