dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
