No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
