Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize