I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
