when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
We have started to decorate penises.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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