we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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