Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
