i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
