Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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