i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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