Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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