Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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