I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
