Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
