saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
