my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
