Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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