did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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