Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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