you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize